A Letter to My Granddaughter

Dear Granddaughter,

From my Father I learned the value of self-reliance, self-control and self-discipline. It was my Father who allowed me the freedom and opportunities to begin to make my own choices at an early age. But during that process of developing my independence, he would often remind me, "When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action." And often, he would teach me the potential consequences of certain behaviors, but he wouldn't tell me what to do.

That's a pretty powerful axiom, "When you choose your behavior, you choose the consequences of that behavior."

Granddaughter, each day you are becoming more of an independent person and as such you want to make more and more of your own decisions about what you believe, what you want to say and how you want to behave. This is a very natural, healthy and desirable development. It is important however to recognize that along with the freedom to make one's own choices, comes the responsibility to understand and accept the potential consequences of those choices. This is the difference between just "growing up" and "maturing." Everyone grows up with simply the passage of time. It is the fortunate who also "mature." And that is the development of the "self" ... self-reliance, self-control, self-discipline and self-motivation, which form the basis of a happy, fulfilling life.

Suppose that you are attending a party where there is drinking of alcohol. Certainly sooner or later you will be faced with such a situation and someone will offer you a drink. At this point, you will make a choice. And make no mistake about this, it is YOUR choice to make. You may feel some pressure and just want to "go along" so as not to be thought of as a nerd or a "party pooper." Whatever. Or you may feel that you just want to experiment to see what what all the fun is to have a so-called "buzz." Or, you may feel that you never even want to start down this road. That you would prefer to be one who doesn't drink and who therefore watches out for her friends. You may have several of these feelings mixed. Whatever your feelings and your choice, try your best to learn and understand the potential consequences of such choices. Think about what some might be in this case.

In another case, let's suppose you hangout with a certain group of girls and one day one of them suggests that you each get a certain tattoo to show your membership and loyalty to the group. Perhaps a little secret tattoo on a normally hidden body part. Sounds harmless enough. You are now faced with a choice. How informed will this choice be? How much do you know
about the potential consequences of getting a tattoo in today's world? There's the real potential of contacting hepatitis C from infected needles (or worse, AIDS). There's the fact that some places will not allow you to donate blood if you have had a tattoo. Donating blood may not seem like a big deal to you now, but later in your life you will learn that it is one of the most precious gifts you have to give to your fellow human beings.

You likely did not even know there might be these consequences of such a simple thing as getting a tattoo. Most young people do not keep up with the latest health facts, and such. This is only natural. However, this only stands to underscore the difficulty in making good choices ... the difficulty in knowing the potential consequences of an act before doing it. The difficulty in making an "informed choice." Sometimes teachers, books, parents, aunts and uncles, (and even grandfathers) can give good information to help you make your own choices.

Another choice you will be facing soon is the choice to have sex. From this very moment Granddaughter, remember whenever you do choose to have sex, it is YOUR choice to make of when, how and with whom. Do not ever let someone else make this choice for you neither by pressure, manipulation of promises, fear, nor the threat of losing someone you like.

And, of course, learn all you can about the potential consequences of this choice. Attached is a letter a young woman wrote to "Dear Abby" lamenting her life altering event whenever she accidently got pregnant while still in high school. There are, I am sure you are aware, other potential consequences.

Granddaughter, try hard to never in your life say to someone, "You made me do this." Accept that your life is your responsibility. That your choices are yours to make. To help you develop this sense of self-responsibility, when deciding to do something significant, say out loud to yourself, "I choose to do this." That will help you take ownership of the consequences, be they good or bad.

It is for certain there will be times whenever your choices will not turn out to be good choices. Maybe you did not know enough about the potential consequences. Perhaps you knew, but were willing to take the risk. Whatever. When your choice turns out to be a poor choice, it is a learning experience. These experiences help us grow. Hopefully they are not life threatening nor seriously life altering experiences.

I leave you now repeating your great grandfather's teaching: "When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action."

Amour, Grandpere'